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Tag Archives: back sliding

Today, I stepped back. I went and picked up stuff that I could have let go.

I’ve been pretty good about not picking up random stuff, and in letting things go. I think part of my trip about collecting and hanging on to things is trying to save things, or more accurately in trying to save people, by way of their things.
I have picked up some stuff recently, under the guise of storing it for friends.

Today, I went to make sure two friends who had recently moved had the things they needed,before they were thrown away by the new tenants, and ended up “saving” things they had already let go, because they are useful things

The great thing about this is the epiphany about why I save stuff, and how all that stuff gets jumbled and collected around me as an armour. I use it to brace myself against the inevitable, as well as to hold on to the past, both my own and others.

I have been trying to work outside of myself, and I know that I need to let things fall away, not just physical things, but emotional things and constructs and paradigms I have been clutching at for longer that I can remember, or even knew I was doing.
This blog is a part of my being willing to let go of all that other that is outside of me.

I am enough, even when I don’t believe it it’s true. I am flawed, and that is not unique.

I hide behind walls of stuff, and am going to come back to actively working on it. For now, that means I am going to come back to writing this blog and acting in ways that I am led to. I document here, for myself, to track and to have a way to see my own path and progress where it is made.
I have been expending energy on surviving, for a lifetime. Shifting, is what is important to me now, to beyond survival into living and being okay with who I am . Making change and shedding what I have outgrown, and embracing the things in myself that are good, and admitting to the good, to letting my core be my armament, my armature, rather than barricade myself in fear against what I am.

It’s back to baby steps, and that first damn step is always so difficult.
It is time, as another friend pointed out to take care of myself, and to become who I am.

 Apparently, the, “or not route” was the one I went on.I was ready to be moving right along. I hit a physical wall.  It keeps coming to me that all this stuff in my life is so very multi-faceted. There are hereditary and up bringing factors (nature and nurture); there are survival factors;( I am not able to successfully set up and hold my own boundary limitations,;so stuff keeps everything and everyone out for me, kind of a baby with the bath water, all or nothing thing; issues of worthiness and wholeness … the list goes in and on.

I have back slid. I was doing okay, then I started back sliding, around the time my back started giving me problems. It is excruciating (no exaggeration) to bend over, to stand, to sit, to lay down, to change position.

Things have gone to Hell in a proverbial hand basket.

Fast Ride in a hand-Basket. gee, the scenery looks familiar!
Fast Ride in a hand-Basket. gee, the scenery looks familiar!
3logs 3 boxes handbasket 003

Working like this is just plain dumb! Time for a change.

3logs 3 boxes handbasket 004

Things I've not taken to donate and things I've neglected to deal with.

 

I’m not sure how all of this is related, but I am sure it’s a process. I’m sure this won’t be quick. I was worried, when I first started that it would be. I am also sure I will turn this around. I have no desire to live like this. I can figure it out and change it.

This is not easy. Many things worth doing, and worth doing well are not easy. -A good point to remember. In the mean time, I will keep breathing.

inhale, exhale.