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Category Archives: healing progression

Here I am again, second time in a week, I think this is the most progress I’ve made in some time -two postings in a week, that is.

So, first, a word about these posts, I’ve said it a while ago, when I began posting, but I feel it is worth reiterating: This is not a literary post, per-say. I edit only in a cursory fashion, and do my best to write in a somewhat visceral fashion, post pictures if I have them, and post in a projectile-puke-and-run sort of way. I say this to remind myself not to be too harsh on myself as I go back and re-read with editing eyes, but also to keep any other readers focused on the main point of this darned blog. I am just to make progress with hoarding, and stuff and the issues around hoarding, more than with writing here, and if I give in to my type a-ish traits (which believe me, play a strangely large role in all of this for me) and over think/over edit I won’t get any writing/sorting/tossing done, or certainly much less. Having said that, thank you for being kind with me linguistically and literarily. I actually do know how to write/edit etc., but that is not my primary purpose here . . .

I have just got off of the phone with my step-mom (Thank you, again Cin!). She is going to help me, this weekend, to go through Gran’s linen closet and decide what to keep, what to send with her, what to get rid of … Some of the things in there are already mine, but I haven’t sorted out what’s what. She is also going to take down Gran’s string of cards with me, as well as taking home Gran’s rose china and some other stuff. Essentially, she allowing me to give myself permission to be here, to settle in and unpack, and admit that this is where life is, and what it is, which, for once in an anguishingly long time is not a miserable thing.

I am struggling with worthiness, and faith in plenty, not even mostly on a physical level, but am ready to get on with it, and to find my place in my own life. There are great pits of sorrow that are waiting to be trolled, but I believe there will also be wells of hope and memories that can bring balance and recognition of worth and renewal of faith, not just in life-the-universe-and-everything, but in myself as well.

In the meantime, I believe I will focus on the kitchen which currently contains some gigante canvases that I, for some reason unbeknownst to me am storing there, as well as cupboards full of food that are older than I am, and possibly even older than my dad.

There are no pictures today, as my daughter has my phone so she can call me when she is done at the movies, and my camera batteries have been temporarily enveloped by The Stuff.

Stuff, Stuff, Stuff! No wonder one of my favorite words is cosas (“stuff” in Spanish) very useful in so many settings, hee hee!

I did deal with the stuff in the back of the truck. sorted into recycling and trash and is waiting curbside now, so WAHOO to that.

Also, a lovely aside. I went to a friend’s house today and she had just read my blog for the first time. She told me she wanted to take me out to her garage so I would feel better. I always doubt people when they tell me about their stuff. In any event, It did make me feel better, not because her stuff is worse than mine, or better, but just that it is stuff and that she is trying to deal with it. Seeing her disheveled side didn’t make me care for her any less, I wonder why it has that effect for me regarding myself. Hmmm… I will begin to look at the inverse of the golden rule, and not just the straight shot of it. I suppose I deserve the same chance I give to others.

Okay, enough typing, off to work. I will check in later on in the weekend.

Lastly,time for a happy picture up-date after that darn fuzzy-headed stern one from last fall. The hair is making a comeback.  ; )

Here I am feeling terribly happy, down right sunny. Portent (in the very best possible terms of the word)of things to come, with any luck.

Sunny Day in Fort Bragg

Writing this blog is horrifying, I must admit.It has forced me to evaluate myself. I am not an exhibitionist, even though it may seem so, rather, this blog has served me well in the past for self moderation, motivation and feed back.It is akin to having sex with the lights blaring if you’re not particularly fond of your physical self. I have found it to be useful, and am still working on getting back into the swing of things.

I am trying hard to get my house in order, both proverbial and otherwise. I have started school for a new credential in order to teach the moderate to severe special education program next school year.

I spent HOURS, in my horrific rat infested garage yesterday trying to sort, and then simply pulling things out and cleaning. I did manage to sort out quite a bit (that seems like nothing compared to the over-all amount of stuff) to get rid of. I also filled, or nearly filled, the back of my truck with boxes to recycle and rat leaving and things the rats got into.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff. Drowning in a sea of stuff. Learning to swim, as it were.

Oy, so much stuff!

Stuff sorting

Then I swept up the part of the garage I unburied. Phew. I am hoping to get back at it again today.

a small clean space.

I realized that not only since I’ve been here, but for years, in fact most of my adult life, in fact most of my life I’ve been depressed and overwhelmed my both my emotional and physical life.
A good friend asked me when I was going to stop being depressed. The answer is now, and I think the way to do it is to take control of my own life. I have been living for other people for so long, and even when I haven’t been doing so knowingly, I’ve been struggling with the idea of if what I was doing was right or wrong in the eyes of my family, or society, or whatever. Funny how all that time, I was mostly working under that heavy load without even really realizing I was carrying it around.
I am hoping to clear out much of the physical, as well as psychological and emotional crap in my life and be present. I think this is going to take a hell of an effort on my part, but I think it can be done. I finally believe, or at least am willing to look at the idea that not only to I deserve to be well and happy, but that it is okay, in fact great to have a bigger life, not in terms of anything physical, per say, but that I can be present and even booming, if I feel like it.
I want to deal with my physical stuff and turn the garage into a studio space that I can make art and write in. My experience in life has been that the more I do, the more I can do. so, I am hoping to get my s*** together and be able to spend more time with actively in my own life, of my own choosing being present.

stuff to donate

more stuff donate

... to the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

I found that I quite like getting rid of things. The hard part is not just pitching the whole lot. I think that is baby out with the bath water mentality.

getting there...

It may not seem like a heck of a lot, but the garage now has room for a washer and dryer, which will help with the chaos in the house, and I can move my glass kiln from the front seat of my truck to the garage. AND, the sidewalk is clear again, and I didn’t just shove it all back into the garage willy nilly. I am going to pat myself on the back instead of listening to the naggy bits in my head that remind me I didn’t get done. I suppose there is no done, only movement, at least as long as one exists in the physical land of the living.

 

New Beginnings

In an effort to start the new year off well, I am attempting to get back to blogging and boxing three times per week again. Boxes will have to be small, as I have a 20 pound maximum lifting allowance, which may be pushing it. The limit was was raised from the original 5 pound allowance after the surgery, which I think I am healing from quite nicely.  Pain is quite well controlled and I am becoming accustomed to the numbness, all the while hoping and waiting for its swan song.

I didn’t take pictures of what I worked on today, as it was rather spontaneous and I didn’t have my camera with me. Instead, I’ve included my New Years card image. Hope you like it as much as I do. I must confess, I am quite pleased with the way it turned out. This is slightly different from the final version I will be using on the card, but nice here, I think.

There are so many things I am interested in, so much that I would like to do and accomplish in my life that I often get overwhelmed and don’t have a clue where to begin, in much the same where that I don’t know where to begin with my stuff.

My friend Laurel has all of the equipment to start a press. This has been a dream of mine for the last two decades. To be able to print, to make plates, set type, produce finished printed products, possibly even books makes me a bit weak in the knees. Her hope, and mine,  is that this will be a printing cooperative with about five people total at the core.    We are thinking of starting with some broadsides and blank journals. To that end, I’ve been searching high and low for my linoleum cutter, as I have blocks that fit like peas in a pod in the press and want to make some images. I was tempted to buy a new cutting set, but when my son asked what I wanted for Christmas I requested he buy it for me instead. Fortunately, circumstances had not allowed that yet.

I went over to Gran’s this morning to let out the chickens, brush her hair and have a little visit. I was feeling pretty spunky, more than I have since before the surgery, so I decided to go out to the garage and see what, if anything I could tackle. (Just to jog the memory, I have stuff in my house, my grans’ garage an in a storage shed. I am trying, at the moment, to get the garage consolidated to the point that the things from the storage shed can go there and I can continue the consolidation process and eliminate the need for a storage shed.) I worked on small boxes and things that were larger, but light. I worked through quite an area and found some things that rats had found tasty (I threw those away, or recycled them If they were eligible). I found a reasonable pile of clothes that were packed away clean, that we haven’t worn in the last year and a half that I will donate to a local thrift store, possibly the Ark thrift store where my freind Judy works and which supports our local humane society. I found some new clean white caulking, which my dad was just in need of (hopefully he hasn’t bought any yet). I found some things I will donate to Redwood pre-school just up the street,a nd a bunch of other goodies, including art supplies which helped to inspire me to at least think about making art again at some point. And I found … my linoleum cutter, so I have been able to get to work on a pear print I’ve been pondering for quite some time.

I suppose the best place to begin, with stuff, with life, is wherever I am.  I need to be willing to jump in at any given point and go from there. Today was a reminder of that.

I am going to do my very best to get back to posting and pitching three times per week. Wish me luck!

Here’s mud in your eye, and to a very Happy New Year with wonderful surprises and new opportunities!