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Monthly Archives: October 2009

 Apparently, the, “or not route” was the one I went on.I was ready to be moving right along. I hit a physical wall.  It keeps coming to me that all this stuff in my life is so very multi-faceted. There are hereditary and up bringing factors (nature and nurture); there are survival factors;( I am not able to successfully set up and hold my own boundary limitations,;so stuff keeps everything and everyone out for me, kind of a baby with the bath water, all or nothing thing; issues of worthiness and wholeness … the list goes in and on.

I have back slid. I was doing okay, then I started back sliding, around the time my back started giving me problems. It is excruciating (no exaggeration) to bend over, to stand, to sit, to lay down, to change position.

Things have gone to Hell in a proverbial hand basket.

Fast Ride in a hand-Basket. gee, the scenery looks familiar!
Fast Ride in a hand-Basket. gee, the scenery looks familiar!
3logs 3 boxes handbasket 003

Working like this is just plain dumb! Time for a change.

3logs 3 boxes handbasket 004

Things I've not taken to donate and things I've neglected to deal with.

 

I’m not sure how all of this is related, but I am sure it’s a process. I’m sure this won’t be quick. I was worried, when I first started that it would be. I am also sure I will turn this around. I have no desire to live like this. I can figure it out and change it.

This is not easy. Many things worth doing, and worth doing well are not easy. -A good point to remember. In the mean time, I will keep breathing.

inhale, exhale.

 

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The title de jour refers to both that I will get back to blogging soon, and that my back is out, and I’ve had a terrible tremor. more on all of this, and life, later.

 

 Wow! My table is completely clear and has been wiped down. This photographs shows me in the table in a whole new light. It is not nearly the beauty I thought it was.  I had been led to see it as if it were an antique heirloom.  It will be okay to get rid of it now, when something better comes along, or to let it be designated entirely as a work table if I have the room for such a thing, at some point.

In any event, it is clear, and clean, and waiting for me to put it to good use!

Finally A clean kitchen table!

Finally A clean kitchen table!

Phew. This is a major accomplishment, for me. It will be an even more major accomplishment if I can keep it clean when I’m not using it for printing space!

A second look!

A second look!The press is on the table. I need to make sure I find it a good place for when I am not using it.press set up on table

 Everything I need, gathered in one place. I feel pretty awesome and organized about this!

Everything required

Everything required

 A clean slate. Ready for a test print. Here we go! 

clean table, printing shirts 012

 Success! 

A clean table allows for printing

A clean table allows for printing

Good test run. Time for production, then moving onto the grey shirts and screen for light shirts.

I love it when things go well!

FBMS navy shirts modelled by Forrest with green

Storm heading in during our brief visit to Reno this weekend.

Storm heading in during our brief visit to Reno this weekend.

Table is nearly empty. Getting down to minutia ...

Table is nearly empty. Getting down to minutia ...

I always find things are much easier to deal with on a macro, rather than a micro level. It is pretty easy to sort clothes and thing. Rather, I should say, it is comparatively easy. Getting down to buttons, bills I no longer need, magazines I”m not done reading, and the like have an ansane abililty to kick my ass and stop me dead in my tracks in  terms of dealing with stuff.

On the table are some binders I bought at the local outlet/seconds store. When I got them home and took a good look at them they were clearly either falling apart, or would be quickly with any use. The wise thing to do would have been to have inspected them thouroughly before buying them, of course. The next most desirable thing would have been to return or exchange them before I lost the reciept. Now I have to decide if I am brave enought to ask for what I want, wich is either an exchange, or a refund. I find it amazingly hard to ask for what I want or need of others.

I have quite a large pile of things to go to donation, including a box of things my grandmother brought home after her volunteer shift at the food bank. I swear, I got back at least one thing I had previously donated in addition to multiple sweaters, including some with a christmas theme. Not the kind of thing I am inclined to wwear, even when I was teaching elementary school. There is a large size garbage bag of clothes including some nice skirts, one or two clocks, some shoes, pants, and the like. There are also some books, and clean cottage cheese containers and lids to go to Down Home Foods, out local health food store. The containers are for holding things like raw agave nectar, and other foods and spices in bulk.

I am exhausted, and so this is the end of my post for Monday. Late, but more in the ball park than I’ve been lately!

Sweet dreams all!

-Pauline

Things waiting to be donated and a re-usable shopping bag waiting to move out to the car.

Things waiting to be donated and a re-usable shopping bag waiting to move out to the car.

Just prior to Sunrise 10/16/09

Just prior to Sunrise 10/16/09

ARGH!! Life. There is a bright side here, but an odd one.
I had been planning on seeing longtime freind of mine (handsome, lovely, etc), but Life the universe and everything have stepped in. When it is right it will be. In the meantime, I am able to travel up to Nevada, ever so briefly to take my daughter to see her Aunts (both my sister and her father’s), as well as her biological, paternal grandparents and her two dad’s, as it were. Long story, Not relevant. We were going to meet in Vallejo, but It turned out that was a silly trip for me to take. The well at my house in Silver Springs is having issues due to rain and flooding, and a backed up or possibly now non-exisastent ditch. So I really needed to check that out any way.
I waould also like to say that in my world (I know, not in other’s) the world was truly a miraculous place. A very young boyo (3 or 4 years old) that attends the preschool was hit by a truck last night. We heard this morning at school. The children and staff all banded together to make him a giant poster/small mural to let him know we love him. I called his mom to see how he wa doing and how to get to the Children’s hospital inthe Bay Area. She said he was already on his way home, thathe had some bruises and was sore, but okay. I asked If I could pring the mural over, and she said sure and gave me directions. I drove up, just after he and his dad did. He was in his momma’s arms not only alive and unscathed, but giggling.  Miracles do happen. I am not religious, spiritual, yes, but not religious. This little sweet pea was not just hit by a truck, but the font wheel of a large grocery store delivery truch drove over him , and apparenlty had to back off of him . This is miraculous anad we are blessed to have him with us: no broken bones, no internal injuries, nothing other than bruises and that he is really sore.
Thank you universe, for giving this sweet child a chance at his destiny!

Back to the reality of my blog. I am not done with the tabbel, I will be, but I am not yet. I went to see my grandmother this evening and she had clothes for me she picked up from the food bank. I am fairly sure at least oine sweater was something that I donated to the food bank.. She had a box of crazy things. I will add them to my Monday, or post-Friday donation. More on that later.
My thought for today, that keeps coming back is to be present. Be in your body, be in you life, as much as you possibly can. Live your life, as it happens, and rem,ember to love the people you love and let them know it. The shots in today’s blog are from this morning.
More on Monday, if not before!
Cheers.
-Pauline

good morning 021

progress, part 1

progress, part 1

I’ve not gotten as far as I’d like, but hopefully, by tomorrow I will have the table successfully cleared. I have been subbing in the preschool, had choir, Gran, life in general and my back has been out. I am terribly tired and am packing it in for today!

Hopefully more progress tomorrow.

Good night.

-Pauline

progress, part tow, mostly down to fabric, paper work and Misc.

progress, part tow, mostly down to fabric, paper work and Misc.

Screen for dark sweat shirts, waiting for room to print

Screen for dark sweat shirts, waiting for room to print

Today’s post, I must confess, has more to do with tomorrow’s actions than today’s. My press is here, I’ve assembled it and it awaits a spot to be placed upon.

Today was busy.

There was a GREAT meeting wtih members from the Redwood and Marin Branches of the California Writers Club. Thank you Linda, Kate, and Cindy (and Marty and Merlin too) for driving all the way to our remote and windy area to speak to our start up group. It was very informative and exciting. 

Then there was Gran time. I worked on her hearing aids and she is using them again for the time being. We hung out for a while. After which I checked in with my kids, did a little grocery shopping and finally came back home. 

When I got home the sub caller contacted me to see if I wanted to work tomorrow.  I decided to go with it. The upside is it will be a paid work day. The down side is there is so much else to do: work on sweat shirts, put together the choir fundraiser, clean up stuff and make keep/donate/toss decisions for the blog …

In any event, I am choosing work.  I am posting my mission for today, to be completed (hopefully) tomorrow after work. My table is full of clean clothes that need to be folded, sorted and whose fate needs to be decided. Once the table is cleared off, I can move the press to the table, plug in the flash dryer, and get to work.

Here’s hoping this will be extra motivation after a long day. I will check back in tomorrow to see how much I’ve accomplished by then.

Cheers!

-Pauline

Screen printing press needing only space near a plug to be ready to go.

Screen printing press needing only space near a plug to be ready to go.

Table with clothes and assorted what-have-you waiting to be dealt with.

Table with clothes and assorted what-have-you waiting to be dealt with.

Finnish Version Communist Manifesto found in my attic while cleaning, printed by Union label in Hanover Michigan 1906!

Finnish Version Communist Manifesto found in my attic while cleaning, printed by Union label in Hanover Michigan 1906!

front facing pages

front facing pages

I was working on getting my attic cleaned up. When the roof was re-done, well before I lived here, the roofers (inadvertently) knocked copious amounts of dirt, wood, nails and the like into the attic. I sleep in the attic in a small walled off area that’s pretty cozy, for the most part. The problem is that we have cats. Cats like dirt, far better than a cat box. This wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t sleep up there. Since I do sleep up there, the drop down door/ladder needs to be left open so I can get down in the morning. As a result, the cats go up there into far off corners and do comparative studies to find the ideal substrate in which to bury their bodily excretions. Not nice. I have been working on cleaning up the attic, but it is quite a chore. I can only do so much at once in order not to inhale more than my fare share of wood, dirt and other debris. Additionally, I just can’t crouch down for more than a couple hours!

In any event, I was cleaning up there and found this Finnish version of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto, printed in Hanover Michigan by Union Label (press) in 1906. It is in remarkably good shape and quite complete. The cover has some issues, and there are moisture stains here and there, but none of the pages are torn or missing. Pretty cool to think that at some point, my home housed at least one potential Finnish Communist. Life is weird!

Mmore from Finnish version of Communist Manifesto. I can't read it, but I feel connected to people that used to live here by way of it.

More from Finnish version of Communist Manifesto. I can't read it, but I feel connected to people that used to live here by way of it.

Granny's attic receipt 1

Granny’s attic is another nice local thrift shop. They work out of the Fort Bragg Senior Center and help support the center as well. They are just adjacent to the middle school, have a community garden. Lots of potential for multi-generational work. Not sure if it is being tapped into yet.

Took in donations from last week:

books and clothes 004

 

Mmmm, moldy cheese.

Mmmm, moldy cheese. Not! This was given with the best of intentions. I don't know if Gran can even see the mold any more. If she could she would tell me to cut it off. I am tired of cutting off the mold, espescially from new cheese, both actually and metaphorically!

Wow! This is a touchy subject, or it wouldn’t take me so long to finish writing and posting it. I started writing this Monday, came back Tuesday, Wed, Thursday and Friday. Still no post. I am going to finish it. It may be a bit rambly, convoluted and off topic, but I am going to attempt to finish this today. post it and get back on track. I feel disloyal, but I suppose that is part of the process at times.

The kids and I spent the night at Gran’s Monday night, or rather we tried. We’ve been trying to work it out to stay there at night since it became an issue a few weeks ago.  Her legs have been giving her trouble for a couple of months now in that every once in a while they won’t do what she tells them to, as it were. Trying to sort out how to make it work so that sleeping there is reasonable for everyone has been next to impossible. I had a plan I thought would work, in terms of where the kids and I would sleep according to noise levels

My back has been out to a larger and lesser extent for about a week now. I have good and bad days, and can’t always act as if I’m fine or be able to do everything Gran wants me to do for her. She asked me to do something (I don’t remember what) on Saturday and I told her I couldn’t as my back was out. She called up that evening and left a message telling the kids and I to come spend the night so she could look out for me.  We didn’t get the message until later, as we had been at the store when she called and when we got home I went up to bed. I saw her the Sunday morning and told her we’d spend the night that night. 

My daughter, Rowan, went over fairly early in the day and made some soup and was going to make gluten free bread, as well. Gran kept offering Rowan extra things to put in the soup. She, and I, both explained that Ro was following a recipe. Finally Gran let her finish sans rutabagas and whatever else might be lurking in the fridge.

My Son, Forrest,  and I returned later in the evening, as I was working on a graphic and made him something to eat, as he does not eat bacon. Once at Gran’s we all got ready for bed, made sure everyone had what they needed for the morning and hit the hay.

Forrest could not sleep in a bed not his own, and came in with some frequency to tell me he couldn’t sleep. I finally sent him home at 3 am and he went to bed there. It’s only a few blocks away, and he is no longer a minor.

In the morning,  I came out of the shower and over heard Gran heckling Rowan about not eating strawberries with her cereal. She told me later that she thought Rowan liked Strawberries, and that she wouldn’t bring them home anymore if no one was going to eat them. She offered to hull them for me for breakfast. I told her that Ro does like strawberries, but not necessarily with her cereal, and that she could hull the berries, but that I couldn’t eat them just then as I had to get Rowan off to school, and check on Forrest and get him to school as well. Rowan told me when we left that the strawberries were weird and moldy.

After school got out Gran called while Rowan was at her house doing home work and asked about dinner. I said I would bring some sausages over. She wanted to make rice and a vegetable, and I said sure. Gran called later to say Ro was sleeping and was wondering if she should wake her up. I told her to let her sleep, as she had been seeming worn down. I continued working on graphics. Forrest asked if I would take him to Gran’s for a shower and I told him he could take one after dinner. Just then Rowan called and said she was feeling really crummy and could I come and get her please.

Forrest and I headed over. I let Gran know about the change of plans, that we would not be spending the night or eating there, because Rowan was feeling sick, but That Forrest was going to stay and eat and take a shower. I asked her where I should put the sausage. She said, very gruffly that she didn’t want them and acted quite disgusted.  She said I could give the dinner to the dog. I asked why she was mad and she replied, “I am mad!”.  I wanted to know why and she said it wasn’t healthy to eat so late, and said some other things about how late we eat dinner, and our schedule.  She had water on for the rice, just about to boil. She had made a stew using the leftover bacon soup, lamb, rutabaga, and some other things.

I apologized, said I didn’t realize she was going to do all that, but that I had to get rowan home and to bed. I knew For wouldn’t eat dinner there, but I asked him to pretend and placate her and that I would feed him at home. I felt weird about it, but I often feel weird about food, among other things with Gran. She has fed us weird things all my life, and I always had to eat them. When I say weird, I don’t just mean tongue that she cooked and forgot to peel before serving, but rancid butter that everyone insisted was fine, strange things pulled from the refrigerator and made into soup (this was very hit and miss, as it good edge up to great or be somewhat horrifying, one never knew until it hit your mouth). Now I try to avoid being in that situation.

Food, like everything else in my family, has historically been hoarded, and not necessarily rotated so that it is being used and replaced. Anything was up for grabs, not just by Gran, but her parents and my dad, as well. We a re well trained hoarders. I think it comes from both genetics, anxiety and training. I really do come by these behaviors naturally.

I realized that I don’t much like to eat, in part because I had very little control over what when, how much, etc. I ate the whole time I was growing up. I love to cook, I don’t much like to eat. I forgot to eat for five days once, in college. I am beginning to understand this. I think it is about control, as is, in part my hoarding behavior.

Enough, enough for now. Perhaps I will return to this another time.

I believe I exist on a continuum, as we all do.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "POSSESSED on Vimeo", posted with vodpod

http://www.librarything.com a place to catalogue your books suggested by reader Connie H. Thank you Connie!

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php May be interesting. There is some indication that Asperger’s is tied to executive function problems, ie. what to keep and what to get rid of, putting your own clothes away, etc.

http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/about-hoarding/compulsive-hoarding-syndrome-introduction.php Obsessive Compulsive foundation’s hoarding website

http://cuttheclutter.blogspot.com/ a good blog about organizing your creative space

http://www.wrongplanet.net/ on line resource for Autism and Asperger’s community

http://www.harthosp.org/instituteofliving/anxietydisorderscenter/compulsivehoarding/default.aspx Hartford Hospital Anxiety disorders, compulsive hoarding information

http://www.oprah.com/article/home/homeimprovement/tows_past_20041118_b , http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/emotionalhealth/tows_past_20050506_b/2 two links to Oprah sites about hoarding

books and clothes 002

As a hoarder of knowledge, and not just of things, I find that books are especially hard to get rid of. I am making my first foray into my bookshelves since beginning the blog. It is best to do this with some rapidity. Like pulling a bandage, it is best to scan the shelf quickly, document and bag, before I decide  I really do need to read Aku-Aku by Thor Hyerdahl, or the Ajanta Caves, Early Buddhist paintings from India. Or perhaps to re-read Inherit the Wind for the umpteenth time.  I feel I am terribly uninformed and know painfully little about the world around me. There is so much to know that I could never possibly learn and retain even a fraction of it. Still, the desire to learn is always there. The truth is that I can give a way loads of books and still have plenty to read. I donated eleven large boxes of books to the local rummage sale to support the new autism preschool program and I didn’t even make a dent.

I have put together one box of books and magazines to get rid of. This is only a tiny dent in my far too large library,  but at least it is a start!

I’ve also put together a bag of clothes, mostly. Including some very nice things, that I just won’t wear no matter how nice they are.

I am not sure why I am so inclined to hang on to stuff. I’m working on figuring it out.

I’m not sure if I’ve written this yet, but I realized, recently that I’ve never fully moved into anywhere I’ve ever lived as an adult. I’ve always had some boxes still packed, or pictures not up. I’ve gotten progressively worse over the years about settling into each new place. I’d thought this was about time, and my busy life style. I think, now, it may have more to do with denial, and not wanting to accept my life. I think it is time to get unpacked, settle, and assess. Only then can I change.

I’ve go two more bags to go to Paul Bunyan or Granny’s Attic. We’ll see what’s open tomorrow.

Good night.

-Pauline

Awaiting donation.

Awaiting donation.